My INTROSPECTION

I'm BACK! Four years from the last time I've been able to put down my thoughts in writing...what a journey it has been and I can't wait to tell you all about it...

Each of us, at opportune moments, gather ourselves for introspection... maybe we've been going around in circles too long and need to focus, maybe a life changing event forces us to look into ourselves for answers no one else can give, maybe its just time to clear our minds and hear what the universe has to say. Whatever it is, stars align and you get your one great moment of clarity, when all the world is quiet and the truth resonates with an unmistakable beat.

This is mine.

I have not been one to plan, my husband would probably laugh at the vision of me scurrying around, obsessively plotting and arranging, because he knows that is not me, and will never be me. Forces have moved me in ways I cannot even begin to describe....pushing, tugging, sometimes slapping me in the face...saying "here, follow this road"...there is no logic, no explanation, only a certain symmetry about it that tells you undeniably that this is the way to go. I have been doubly lucky and unlucky in a sense....and I apologize for those who I have inconvenienced at some point because I could not explain why, only that it needs to be done...because although to me, it seems perfectly simple, the meaning clear, others do not see it as so....here I am trying to second guess myself about what to write next...to try to sound adult, full of wisdom and hope in an apparently obtuse way...and all that seems to come off of my mouth is drivel.

I read what I wrote 4 years ago, and I am amazed at how great my writing was. I am now doubly pressured to write something better. But that sadly never works for me....I believe I am only setting myself up for failure....So what do I do?

I write still....trying to find the soul I once had, because I seem to have lost it...in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, of trying to keep up, of trying to stand out, of trying too damn hard...losing it to the mundane, the unimportant, the ambivalent and the urgent.

I wonder, would reading this at a later date change my perspective of the drivel that has come out of my brain....surely, there must be some use to this string of perfectly spelled grammatically correct words that in the end mean nothing to anyone except me....

Who am I writing for I wonder...What am I writing for....

Grant me your patience as I explore the deep recesses of this frazzled mind and try to make sense of it all....

I should be happy, ecstatic even...I was given the best compliment anyone in my profession could ever get - a great referral...someone I did not know, for reasons unknown, with no thought of benefit or due, told a group of visitors that I was the best at what I do here where I am...if they ever needed anyone who does what I do, then I should be the one they should look for....my grin was from ear to ear...I had a happy little skip in the beat of my heart, and I poured it on thick for everyone...everybody left with a smile on their faces, everybody was happy - them because they were treated beyond their expectation, me because I gave them all that I had...and yet, once they have gone, the sadness that I feel envelops me like a blankie in bed...and I am sad again, for reasons I do not know.

I wrote this blog because I saw how one of my friends did hers to such cute perfection, perfect lines done just right for the gorgeous pictures that it accompanied. I guess it must be pride, because I remember saying to myself, "hmmm, I think I should give blogging another try". I hope I am doing it for the right reasons, not just so I could prove that I am the better of the two.

I have just joined a photography class where a lot of my classmates are a highly competitive bunch. We have photo contests bi monthly and the first time I entered the contest, I was SURE I would win. I mean there's no way they wouldn't pick my entry...Hubris....it was not even part of the finalists...

Ooops I fell asleep....somewhere in between gathering thoughts and visualizing, my brain decided it had enough and shut off....

Another sign...maybe. You never can tell with these things really, so I bid you adieu and hope you are with me for this ride to explore this side of my life, my introspection....

goodnight!

flight of fancy

Chopper rides have been one of the fringe benefits of this job. I enjoy it immensely. There's nothing like seeing a mission come to its fruition. That is itself is its own reward.

It's been a really long day organizing this flight - 8 hours long in fact. But as soon as the chopper landed, adrenaline kept me going once again. And as Timothy and Soula flew off into the sunset, back to the sea of lights in Manila, a wave of contentment flooded over me. Can't help thinking proudly to myself "See, that's how it's done!".

I've been at this job for 8 years now. And I have to say that it's been quite a wild ride. It's hard not to take things seriously in my line of work. But for some reason I have always felt that I was meant to be here. Maybe my mom just brainwashed me too much that I really didn't think of doing anything else or maybe it really is my calling. Who knows? What I do know though, is that when you have been blessed enough to have been given all these opportunities, you too are duty bound to give back -- to the world, to life -- by being the best that I could be and more.

I have to be completely honest though. I'm totally having a hard time writing a blog, because I feel so naked in front of strangers. And I don't think anyone else would be interested in anything that I had to say -- talk about insecurity...But at 4 o'clock in the morning I think I'm entitled to feel what I want to feel, right? So from now on, I will resolve to write this blog like I talk to myself and pretend that no one is reading it except me. So I will now write, not to impress you, but to express me -- which is how it ought to be.

So I will let my thoughts fly fancy free and simply enjoy the experience. Hopefully, there'll be something to learn from this forced introspection.

In this flight of fancy, I hope to discover ME.

fam·i·ly ('fam-lE)

1 : a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head : HOUSEHOLD
2 a : a group of persons of common ancestry : CLAN b : a people or group of peoples regarded as deriving from a common stock : RACE
3 a : a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation : FELLOWSHIP b :
4 : a group of things related by common characteristics: as a : a closely related series of elements or chemical compounds b : a group of soils that have similar profiles and include one or more series c : a group of related languages descended from a single ancestral language
5 a : the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their own or adopted children; also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family b : spouse and children
6 a : a group of related plants or animals forming a category ranking above a genus and below an order and usually comprising several to many genera b in livestock breeding (1) : the descendants or line of a particular individual especially of some outstanding female (2) : an identifiable strain within a breed
7 : a set of curves or surfaces whose equations differ only in parameters
8 : a unit of a crime syndicate (as the Mafia) operating within a geographical area

there are so many meanings associated with this word...but what does it really mean to you...

i just finished talking to my sister-in-law...and i just realized that ours is really not a typical family at all...not by leaps and bounds

my father died when i was 2 years old, and my mom had a relationship with a former classmate she met on a reunion...and i called him 'dad' because for all intents and purposes he WAS my dad

but my stepdad (i refer to him as that even though they were not married) had multiple relationships and children with other women...but it was the 80's, and people tended to turn a blind eye to stuff like that...it was actually a source of pride how many conquests you had...

what i learned from my mom, though, was that, however bad she may have felt having been betrayed many times over and being unable to do anything about it, she never let it affect the way she treated my dad's kids... in fact, she would often welcome them to the house to play with us...because she believed that kids really have nothing to do with how screwed up their parents life may be...

i carried this belief as i entered in a relationship where my boyfriend, now my husband, had three kids from a former lover (they were not married, don't ask me how three kids could result in such a relationship, but it did...and in fairness to my husband, he was not a big believer in marriage at that time but when he commits, he does so wholeheartedly....

i became what i hadmost feared...i became a setpmom...

now, this can go both ways, you can imagine... i could be a total bitch...or a real angel...hahaha

oh, and i had a ball...you know why...because I LOVE THESE KIDS...love them like my own...i can't begin to tell you my plans, my dreams, my hopes for their lives...and like i said, my mom taught me, kids are not to blame for whatever mess their parents are in...

and so here i am, writing about the concept of family, because that's what it really is...a concept

yesterday, i nearly cried...my youngest daughter (actually my husband's) was talking to me and she said " i wish you were my real mommy"...if you ask her where she comes from, she would tell you "from my mommy's heart" ...because she did not spring from my blood, but instead from my innermost wish of becoming a mother...

so i guess, it doesn't matter, your race, creed, belief...when you are united...by love...then you come from each others heart...and you are a FAMILY

my life as a crammer

they told me about it two years ago...presenting to an international audience, how could you turn down such an opportunity, right?...so what do i do...what i always do... I CRAMMED!...and guess what?...it turned out great!...people only had good things to say about it

i feel bad though...to be so lucky enough to have my creative juices squeezed to its peak a few hours before when other people take weeks, month even...and they don't even do so well...but the lord has been kind...

ever since i was a kid, it seemed that i always needed the adrenaline rush...cramming papers, always holding my breath if i could meet the deadline, waiting for the last minute...i know, i know...not really role model material...and things sometimes don't work out the way i wish they would...but i'm still here right...it can't be all that bad...

and for all it's worth, when it comes down the line...I DO DELIVER...

let's get it started

here we go! i've been wanting to start a blog for the longest time but haven't gotten around to it...except now, while watching "constantine" late at night. something about it being the end of the world i guess that makes you think that you now really need to put all your things in order.

so we'll see how things work out now won't we.

till next time...

G