My INTROSPECTION

I'm BACK! Four years from the last time I've been able to put down my thoughts in writing...what a journey it has been and I can't wait to tell you all about it...

Each of us, at opportune moments, gather ourselves for introspection... maybe we've been going around in circles too long and need to focus, maybe a life changing event forces us to look into ourselves for answers no one else can give, maybe its just time to clear our minds and hear what the universe has to say. Whatever it is, stars align and you get your one great moment of clarity, when all the world is quiet and the truth resonates with an unmistakable beat.

This is mine.

I have not been one to plan, my husband would probably laugh at the vision of me scurrying around, obsessively plotting and arranging, because he knows that is not me, and will never be me. Forces have moved me in ways I cannot even begin to describe....pushing, tugging, sometimes slapping me in the face...saying "here, follow this road"...there is no logic, no explanation, only a certain symmetry about it that tells you undeniably that this is the way to go. I have been doubly lucky and unlucky in a sense....and I apologize for those who I have inconvenienced at some point because I could not explain why, only that it needs to be done...because although to me, it seems perfectly simple, the meaning clear, others do not see it as so....here I am trying to second guess myself about what to write next...to try to sound adult, full of wisdom and hope in an apparently obtuse way...and all that seems to come off of my mouth is drivel.

I read what I wrote 4 years ago, and I am amazed at how great my writing was. I am now doubly pressured to write something better. But that sadly never works for me....I believe I am only setting myself up for failure....So what do I do?

I write still....trying to find the soul I once had, because I seem to have lost it...in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, of trying to keep up, of trying to stand out, of trying too damn hard...losing it to the mundane, the unimportant, the ambivalent and the urgent.

I wonder, would reading this at a later date change my perspective of the drivel that has come out of my brain....surely, there must be some use to this string of perfectly spelled grammatically correct words that in the end mean nothing to anyone except me....

Who am I writing for I wonder...What am I writing for....

Grant me your patience as I explore the deep recesses of this frazzled mind and try to make sense of it all....

I should be happy, ecstatic even...I was given the best compliment anyone in my profession could ever get - a great referral...someone I did not know, for reasons unknown, with no thought of benefit or due, told a group of visitors that I was the best at what I do here where I am...if they ever needed anyone who does what I do, then I should be the one they should look for....my grin was from ear to ear...I had a happy little skip in the beat of my heart, and I poured it on thick for everyone...everybody left with a smile on their faces, everybody was happy - them because they were treated beyond their expectation, me because I gave them all that I had...and yet, once they have gone, the sadness that I feel envelops me like a blankie in bed...and I am sad again, for reasons I do not know.

I wrote this blog because I saw how one of my friends did hers to such cute perfection, perfect lines done just right for the gorgeous pictures that it accompanied. I guess it must be pride, because I remember saying to myself, "hmmm, I think I should give blogging another try". I hope I am doing it for the right reasons, not just so I could prove that I am the better of the two.

I have just joined a photography class where a lot of my classmates are a highly competitive bunch. We have photo contests bi monthly and the first time I entered the contest, I was SURE I would win. I mean there's no way they wouldn't pick my entry...Hubris....it was not even part of the finalists...

Ooops I fell asleep....somewhere in between gathering thoughts and visualizing, my brain decided it had enough and shut off....

Another sign...maybe. You never can tell with these things really, so I bid you adieu and hope you are with me for this ride to explore this side of my life, my introspection....

goodnight!